The Adventures of Spanky McCoy Gentleman Racer

[JawZ]

you wont be loving it when we actually demand you to sing a song with you sister providing the backing music.
_________________

[HotSWAT]

xD
_________________

[Spanky_McCoy]

Tuesday 27th October 2009 7.45pm

McCoy: Right is everyone ready?
Bunsen: Yup
JawZ: Yep
Belial: Sound
Bboy: Yeah
Baino: Almost
McCoy: Scuse me?
Baino: Almost ready was just turning off the weapons systems.
McCoy: Pardon
Baino: The guns was turning them off.
McCoy: Why?
Baino: I don't want to shoot anyone
everyone laughs
Baino: No seriously
McCoy: JawZ get me a seat I feel a bit giddy (sits down) run this past me again you DON'T want to shoot at anyone.
Baino: Yeah I'm a pacifist.
Bunsen: Eh Baino you do realise that the skipper is responsible for more conflicts than Jeremy Kyle?
Baino: Yeah
JawZ: Baino you do realise that without shooting at Cheese the viewing figures for season 7 will drop and ITV8 will drop us in favour of repeats of The Professionals
Belial: Love dat show, y'know Body an Doyle with a capri.
McCoy: Belial
Belial: Yes
McCoy: Shut it
Belial: Alright grumpy
McCoy: Baino what you fail to realise is us as in all of us in this very expensive motorhome for want of a better term are the villains. If we don't blow stuff up in horrendously extravagant ways then there is no show, do you get what I'm saying old bean.
Baino: Yeah but I thought if we took all the weapons off the car would go faster and we might win.
Bunsen: As if *haha* wait a minute has he got a point.
JawZ: Well technically he does, if we lose the 4.8 tonnes of munitions on the car then we can theoretically break the sound barrier.
Belial: Sound
JawZ: Indeed
McCoy: Whoa, whoa, whoa wait a minute if I wanted to run a warm and friendly racing operation I'd own McLaren, we're here to kick ass, blow stuff up and keep tyre wall manufacturers in business. Am I right
Boys: n'yeah
McCoy: Am I right
Boys: Yeah
McCoy: Give me a hell yeah
Boys: Hell yeah
McCoy: So lets get out there and give the public what they want, six guys driving at 300mph shooting the crap out of anything they don't own.
Boys: HUZZAH

The team run outside with Bunsen and McCoy still in the motorhome finishing off their G&T's

Bunsen: How do you do it
McCoy: Do what
Bunsen: Talk us out of behaving like adults
McCoy: Believe me old bean it doesn't take much, who doesn't like mayhem and unadulterated carnage.
Bunsen: The pope?
McCoy: Name two
Bunsen: Florence Nightingale
McCoy: She got killed in a gun fight don't you know.
Bunsen: Really
McCoy: Yeah was a card game, she accused someone of cheating
Bunsen: What happened
McCoy: Great Grandpa shot her
Bunsen: *gulps down last of his drink*
McCoy: Come on lets go race.

Will SpankyTech become warm and fuzzy like Winnie the Pooh
Will Baino get with the programme and blow stuff up
Will McCoy tell Bunsen the story about what really happened to Mother Theresa

Find out probably none of this in the next popetastic episode of The Adventures of Spanky McCoy Gentleman Racer
_________________

[Baino]

Do you know how long it takes to clean a car that has scorch marks from rockets and machine guns.
_________________
Mostly to be found in Forza Horizon 4 now.

[JawZ]

a few licks does it on mine.
_________________

[Spanky_McCoy]

Bonfire night at McCoy hall, McCoy has laid on a charity fireworks display for the disadvantaged and those who speak in thick regional dialects.

JawZ: Right boss we've got all the fireworks set and ready to go.
McCoy: Good man, have you got the SpankyTech TX6900 set for the finale.
JawZ: Ehm yes
McCoy: JawZ do you know what a SpankyTech TX6900 is?
JawZ: A big rocket?
McCoy: That's right.
Bunsen: I took my labrador and my child is there anywhere safe I can put them when the fireworks go off?.
McCoy: The bunker (JawZ and McCoy laugh)
Bunsen: Funny, I'll stick them in the car and roll the window down a bit. Where's the booze.
McCoy: Probably been nicked by a bunch of oiks by now. Right JawZ lets get started I want to get these breadliners off the property by 9.00pm it's 2 for 1 night at Spearmint Rhino and I have a room booked.
Bunsen: Awww why didn't you say I would have left the kids and the woman at home.
McCoy: What about the dog?.
Bunsen: Dead handy when the beer scooter isn't working, used to be a guide dog.
McCoy: Really, how did you end up with her then.
Bunsen: Owner got knocked over.
JawZ: Right I'll go tell Belial to get the fireworks going.
McCoy: Belial?, why in the name of god is he doing it.
JawZ: You said get someone with knowledge of ordnance and munitions.
McCoy: Yeah I mean't someone like myself or Andy McNab.
JawZ: Belial is a scouser though boss.
McCoy: Point well made old bean.

The fireworks start going off with much ooohing and aahhhing.

McCoy: It's going well he's done a good job.

The swimming pool starts to slide to the side and the warhead of a missile comes into view.

McCoy: Bleeding heck, what is he doing.
JawZ: Firing the SpankyTech TX6900
Bunsen: I don't think that's a firework its 5 storeys tall.
McCoy: That's the SpankyTech TX9600
JawZ: Yeah, so
McCoy: It's a bloody tactical nuke.
JawZ: Oh

McCoy sprints towards the control booth waving his arms and yelling at Belial as the booster starts to fire on the missile.

Belial: Alright der
McCoy: Abort, abort it
Belial: Whys dat den
McCoy: It's a nuke

Belial furiously starts mashing at the control panel until all the lights on it go out.

McCoy: Jesus wept that was close

The ground starts rumbling and the rocket motor starts full bore slowly climbing out of the silo into the night sky with cheers and roars of appreciation from the crowds.

McCoy: Aww bloody hell how am I going to explain this to Norwich Union.
Belial: Yeah don't think dat little box on da form will cover dis.

Will McCoy be able to stop the nuke
Will Belial care he's about to destroy Guernsey
Has Bunsen brought the correct cover for nuclear fallout for the babys buggy.

Find out this and much much more in the next thermonuclear episode of The Adventures of Spanky McCoy Gentleman Racer.
_________________

[Baino]

Why does Bel speak with a Jamaican accent?
_________________
Mostly to be found in Forza Horizon 4 now.

[mark-s]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3L69ts89SvM&feature=popular


Spanky Tech on one of there outings to the GMR garage

cant put me finger on who the clumsy one is though

[Spanky_McCoy]

[Spanky_McCoy]

It's only 42 shopping days to Christmas and McCoy is visiting the SpankyTech Weapons Divisions toy subsidiary (aka ToysRus)


McCoy: Right what have you come up for the rotund masses of little chavs this year then Quentin old bean
Quentiin (chief designer): Well Sir McCoy we've developed a range of Mad Laps action figures and playsets.
Yussuf: Wo ist der waffenraum?.
McCoy: It's down the hall 3rd on your........wait a minute do I know you?.
Yussuf: Nein
McCoy: You sure.
Bunsen: It's Yussuf he drives for Tyrrell he broke in but couldn't get past the security in the toy division, so he's been pretending to work on toy development, although he did come up with some interesting ideas on a new direction for twister.
McCoy: JawZ, show him the exit.

JawZ whacks Yussuf on the back of head and two henchmen drag him out.

McCoy: Right Quentin what have we got then
Quentin: This is the JawZ action figure, you can interact with him and he does kung fu, comes with his twin uzi's and a samurai sword.
McCoy: How much we flogging that for
Quentin: £99.95
Bunsen: Stone me, thats a bit steep for an action figure does it make your tea
Quentin: It can do yes and it's programmed to attack anything bearing the image of Cheese.
Bunsen: Oh
McCoy: Sounds good to me
JawZ: Can I get one for me mum?
Quentin: This is the Baino paintshop playset, it comes with a Baino figure, SpankyTech 69er09 with paint to come up with new schemes, we also have the SoSteve Vito complete with SoSteve and Thug action figures, sawn off shotguns and balaclavas.
McCoy: Whats that figure there the one sitting with its feet up on the desk a can of lager and a Razzle.
Quentin: Oh thats DanTheMan, very popular with the ladies that figure. We've also got the Bunsen figure which can say 4 different phrases.
McCoy: Like what
Quentin: "Boss do you think that's a good idea" "we better get out of here before the police arrive" "Did you really need to nick that motability scooter" and "Boss thats the kennel not your house and I dont think the dog will like what you just did"
McCoy: Authentic then. What about me have you done one of me.
Quentin: Of course
McCoy: Can I see it
Quentin: Ehm yes, before you do we had a focus group of 9 year olds do some work on the initial design so this is the revised figure. (the figure appears on the screen at the end of the meeting room)
McCoy: Bleeding eck, that's horrible it looks like a stretch armstrong head glued onto action man, you could work metal on that chin it's like an anvil.
Quentin: Well you see the focus groups parents were concerned about the original figure.
Bunsen: Why
Quentin: Well they didn't want their children playing with a dishevelled drunk in a torn dinner suit that slapped women on the arse and called them sweetcheeks
McCoy: But that's more accurate than Jimmy Hill over there. Thats designer stubble by the way and dishevelled will be big in 2010.
Quentin: Don't worry Sir McCoy your action figure is second highest in pre orders out of the range
McCoy: Oh thats good.......wait a minute who's first
Quentin: Debs
McCoy: Bloody figures.

Will McCoy approve the anvil chinned figure
Will JawZ get one for his mum
Will Bunsen be able to explain to his missus why his action figure comes with "totty"

Find out this and much much more in the next Santastic episode of The Adventures of Spanky McCoy Gentleman Racer
_________________

[DaCheese]

Still working on the GMR Chistmas 2009 range. What's the RRP on the SoSteve Vito playset?
_________________

[Spanky_McCoy]

[Dantski]

Ahhh one day I'll make an appearance in one of these!

Until then another Spankeriffic episode m'lord
_________________
It's not the winning, its the taking apart

[Spanky_McCoy]

[DaCheese]

You be careful who you m'lord Dant if you want to keep your job.
_________________

[Dantski]

I know too many of your dirty secrets Cheese don't try to blackmail me!
_________________
It's not the winning, its the taking apart

[Spanky_McCoy]

McCoy is recruiting new henchmen after a minor accident at his hollowed out volcano he has a shortage.

McCoy: Hello and welcome to the SpankyTech fast track henchmen programme, firstly a couple of quick questions. Who here is afraid of you know dying or being severely injured.

40 or so out of the 200 standing in the gymnasium hold their hands up

McCoy: Right you can go. Who here is working for any of the usual suspects in the intelligence community, bear in mind when you do caught and you will you'll wish you left with the first bunch.

20 or so hold their hands up and shuffle off.

McCoy: At SpankyTech we have what you might call a nemesis, he's called Cheese, his main revenue stream is organic cider and jazz mags, he hangs around with these chaps (pics of the GMR drivers appear on the big cinema screen) these guys are public enemies in our house and we show no mercy.

Middenrat: (whispers) it's alright boss with these disguises he'll never spot us
Cheese: (whispers) Are you sure I look like a 70's porn star with this moustache and the name Chad Uppercut where the hell did you get that from.
Middenrat: Chill out Cheese nobody has clocked us, we'll do the tour with the rest of the potential henchmen, sneak off at the research centre and clock a look at his new car.
Cheese: Nice one

McCoy is on a segway leading the henchmen around the sprawling expanse of his underground facility. Middenrat and Cheese spot an opportunity to sneak off into a side corridor.

Middenrat: Right we've got about an hour before he picks squads for British Bulldog and realises he's short for the teams so lets get into his design office and pinch what we can.
Cheese: You know where it is don't you
Middenrat: Of course I do, used to work here. It's the second on the right.

Cheese knocks a security guard over the head and steals his swipe card. Middenrat opens the door and they both sneak in.

Cheese: Where's the lights
Middenrat: Hang on its there, no wait he's moved it, hang on its voice activated I bet "lights" "on" "illuminate"
They hear a grunt and snort
Cheese: Oh jesus what's he working on in here that sounds terrible.

Suddenly the lights come on, Mid and Cheese are confronted by Luigi standing in a vest and a rather soiled looking pair of previously white Y fronts.

Luigi: Hello there who are you, Chad Uppercut and Lance Boyle wait a minute ahh Mr Middenrat my friend you come a back to work for da boss yes.
Middenrat: Ehm yeah Luigi how goes it
Luigi: It good da boss he reduced my hours, I get 4 whole hours of sleep.
Cheese: That's ridiculous
Luigi: Wait a momento you da boss enemy cheesy man, Mr Middenrat you not betray the boss already.
Middenrat: Sssssh, you hear that
Cheese: What
Middenrat: Sounds like a segway coming down the corridor
Cheese: They don't make any noise
Middenrat: They do when the driver is pissed and bouncing off everything.
Cheese: Luigi we're not really supposed to be here if I gave you 400 cans of Cheese's organic scrumpy and a lifetimes subscription to Southern Strumpets will you say you haven't seen us.

With that Middenrat knocks Luigi out

Middenrat: You can't trust an eyetie, the skipper taught me that.
Cheese: Damn it he's almost outside what are we going to do.
Middenrat: Those segways in the corner lets make a run for it.

Mid and Cheese storm out of the room on the two segways and slowly drive off at 4 mph as McCoy approaches

McCoy: Oi you two come here
Cheese: Never
Middenrat: Pedal to the metal Cheese

JawZ and Bunsen are in the control room

Bunsen: Here JawZ check this
JawZ: What I'm busy, Jeremy Kyle's on
Bunsen: No look its the lamest car chase in the world, if the boss got off and walked at brisk pace he'd catch them up.
JawZ: Haha, he must be pissed before he hasn't worked that out.
Bunsen: JawZ have you ever seen the boss sober
JawZ: Good point

McCoy: Bunsen get down here with an ATV and a chuffing big chain gun.
Bunsen: Roger
McCoy: No I said Bunsen
Bunsen: No I said Roger as in yes. Never mind on my way.

Bunsen comes storming down the hallway on the ATV and pulls up beside McCoy as Cheese and Mid slowly inch up the incline towards the exit.

McCoy: We've got him now, floor it.

Bunsen bombs off after the two intruders as McCoy loads the chain gun and starts blasting.

Cheese: That's another fine mess you've got me into.
Middenrat: Stop moaning we're almost out.

The ATV slams into the two segways as they're just about to exit knocking the pair flying out into the light of day, they land right in front of a couple of old people as McCoy jumps off the ATV and draws his pistol.

McCoy: Liz, Phil eh what a delightful surprise, I didn't realise it was your day for visiting.
Queen: Spanky what are you doing with that gun and knocking over these poor employees.
Prince Phillip: Ungrateful blighters should be thanking him for the encouragement.
McCoy: Oh that was an accident Liz, let me help you two up (whispers) you two are very very lucky.

Has McCoy jeopardised his 3rd Knighthood
Has Bunsen got another three points for wreckless driving
Will Cheese honour the lifetime subscription of Southern Strumpets

Find out this and much much more in the next majestic episode of The Adventures of Spanky McCoy Gentleman Racer
_________________

[mark-s]

this episode is nail biting, keep up the good story lines spank

[Spanky_McCoy]

McCoy has been recognised by the Nobel Jury for his humanitarian works. He's being interviewed by Jeremy Paxman after the ceremony.

Paxman: Let me start Sir McCoy by saying what an utter shock this award must have been for you.
McCoy: Howzat?
Paxman: I'm sure you don't need to be told but your company sold more munitions last year than all the other munitions companies in the world combined.
McCoy: If there is a point Jeremy old bean I'd appreciate it if you turned the tiller in that direction.
Paxman: In laymans terms how does one who creates such misery get rewarded for humanitarian works.
McCoy: Ahh this old chestnut, was it not I who got somalians out of unemployment and back in the work place.
Paxman: Ahh yes the now infamous "give a somali an ak-47 and he can feed himself for a week" initiative.
McCoy: Well they can, what was wrong with that.
Paxman: Piracy has gone up 8000% since you started that scheme.
McCoy: Really can't say I noticed.
Paxman: Then there was the ill fated Columbian campaign.
McCoy: What was wrong with that.
Paxman: You gave a bunch of columbian farmers free land.
McCoy: For agriculture old bean, cuts down on CO2 and keeps people in work they love me over there.
Paxman: Yes because you created the largest cocaine co-op in the world, they even have fair trade for columbian coke farmer jute bags.
McCoy: Jezza all these things were done with the best intentions I can't be there to watch over all my good deeds.
Paxman: Then there is the impending court case raised by Kerry Katona's husband for compensation when you landed a highly experimental aircraft right on top of her....
McCoy: Crashed
Paxman: Pardon
McCoy: I crashed that bird, right after saving the world I may add. Anyway he's only after cash because the tubby strumpet was broke.
Paxman: Sir McCoy what beggars belief how a self serving, arrogant, megalomaniacal egotist like you can be rewarded for making the world a better place.
McCoy: You want to know how.
Paxman: Yes we would.
McCoy: Without me there are no risk takers, pioneers, devil may care chance takers. When people look at me they think there goes the last great adventurer. Woman love me and men want to be me. What kind of person doesn't want to drive cars at 300mph down clapham high street being pursued by a disgruntled Chinese government kill squad or fly highly experimental planes around the world and landing on a fat waster. Hell man the world needs Samuel Parker Alexander Nigel Kane Yoko McCoy god damn it.
Paxman dumb struck
McCoy: JawZ fire up the lambo we're out of here.

Will McCoy follow through on his £1 from the sale of every automatic weapon goes to Children in Need promise.
Will Paxman make it out of the studio alive.
Will Cheese recover from choking on his organic croissant after reading McCoy got the Nobel peace prize.

Find out this and much more in the next charity filled episode of The Adventures of Spanky McCoy Gentleman Racer.
_________________

[Middenrat]

Spankytech lineup for next season will include Bono, Geldof and The Pope, pitcrew led by Ghandi features Princess Di on safety equipment and Nana Mouskouri on mouth-organ. Then I woke up....
_________________


Skin by Baino